Change hurts, I think I can, I think I can…ugh

14 Oct

Hello lovelies, how are you?

I’m on the slow train uphill through mountainous terrain. Still chugging along, but changing the gears of change is slow. So painfully slow.

Sometimes it is super difficult to actually interpret how we feel. Because, partly I suppose, we have to stop and really think about it. As you might remember, I automatically reply to the question ‘how are you?’ with ‘great/fine/good, thanks!’.

That is mostly still a smooth white lie to ease through the pleasantries that aren’t actually interested in how I am.

Something that really drives me nuts though is other mothers that I often meet, often the same mothers and often on a daily basis, who cannot find it in themselves to smile or return a smile. Is there no camaraderie in parenthood? No motheraderie that we can share in a smile or chat while waiting to get our children from kindy/school?  Why can we not get over the whole standoff-ish shite?

Now I am shy to a point, but friendly. I say hi to everyone and anyone. But do you know how easy other people find it to not return a hi or smile. Do you know how many people stand in closed little ‘clicks’ and refuse to ever let you in, in a million minutes of waiting together? No matter how friendly you are, they seem to have decided that you can’t come in!

When my Persian cat started kindy 2 years ago, another little girl started kindy on the same day and her mum and I hit it off. The other day I was commenting on how nice it was to meet some of the other mums at her daughter’s party because I have found some of the mothers at kindy generally unfriendly. She agreed that that was the case for her as well, and we then spent half an hour assessing why that might be, and how a smile in return would be so simple and sweet. But only a few bother.

I remember that Ro rascal’s playgroup was a bit like that, and some were competitive on weight/baby’s talents/sleeping habits/everything. And after enduring trying to bond and make friends, for my own sake, for a couple of years, I quit the group and walked away.

I have had to do that with people I have met over the last few years of having children. Because I have come to realise that people can make you feel really bad. Really, really bad.

Just like someone can say ‘hey, you look lovely today’ and boost your self-esteem, people can break your back with ‘I’m glad you swallowed your pride and changed back’.

I cannot abide those latter people anymore, for the simple fact that there is no point being with people who make you miserable even one second. It is especially compounding when you already teeter on the edge of ‘I’m okay’.

At the moment, well these past two weeks at least, I almost feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I just cannot catch my self-control mojo and that makes fighting for change so difficult. The struggle for control is mostly with food. I don’t eat badly, really, but I don’t eat how I want to. And this is frustrating because one of the biggest changes for me is health and to have difficulty with eating and making internal health better is *hair-pulling-ahhhhh*

I am grateful for the fact that I am not a quitter. I want change so badly that I am actually willing to not be disheartened by the fact that it is slow and challenging.

I have taken a few days off exercise (because I was super busy and physically active with school holidays on) but I have noticed a huge change in how I feel without it in my day.

Exercise makes me feel great. Great about myself. Great about my dedication to helping myself be more like I want. Great physically, mentally, emotionally, and generally.

I have added exercise via an xbox kinect system, and this is fantastic. This has so many options and changes and keeps you thinking and engaged. And these two elements help the time pass so well that I have upped the exercise to one hour because I am having fun and don’t feel the monotony. This makes me uber happy also because it somewhat mitigates my food challenges by at least helping me feel healthier.

It is just a personal thing that I like to be in control. Partially because I am afraid of being the person who cannot control things when I am the person who likes to always be in control of herself. I am the one who will suddenly question having a wine while cooking every night. Then wondering if I am an alcoholic and can I stop and do I need the drink and then I try and try to not have a drink and then I think hmmm I wonder and then I sometimes never drink at all and get all hmm and more confused and lol I am not an alcoholic but it is not a laughing matter because it is an affliction. It is in my family and if I inherited the bad thighs then maybe, just maybe, I’d be unlucky enough to have addictive tendencies.

Told you lovelies, I like to be in control of myself. I forgo trying to control other people/things really as it isn’t nice/healthy/possible! But sometimes I’d really like to be able to! Like the other day…

On Friday I took the Ro rascal and Persian cat to the zoo. We had a wonderful day and I took tonnes of lovely photos (which were all lost because the card decided to format itself). Surprisingly I didn’t cry at the loss nor heave the bloody camera off the roof as I might have previously done but I accepted the fact and that there was nothing I could do about it. Especially significant that I was accepting without a sad face because they were taken for Christmas books I had planned for the kiddies.

The lack of upset might have been related to the relief of finding the Persian cat who had wandered off and been missing for ten horrifyingly horrendously ridiculously sickening awful minutes. Thank goodness our society still has some very kind, caring people. She wandered off but in my mind I lost her and I felt so awful. She was brave being carted across the zoo by a strange young lady but kindness prevailed I suppose. Would have liked to control the fact that she was glued to my hip in a 1 metre radius. Or that the zoo was empty aside from us. As it happened I have never seen the zoo more filled with people and children and apparently you cannot glue children to your hip. Lost in a sea, like an ant nest swarming the queen.

But when the lion roars the cubs are safe, yet again. Because even a nest of ants can be dissected one-by-one until every ant has been accounted for, precluded where possible, included where necessary, and passed by until the right ant is identified.

Another lioness faces this lionesses cubs. And my cubs looked on in wonderment.

We had fun (excuse the rubbish quality phone images, the proper camera had died formatting at this point in time!) but losing a child certainly made for heart palpitations and a swift exist home.

No long term side effects seem apparent. And at least I parent consistently, having lost Ro Rascal when he was two years old!

In most ways it is me who feels the wrath. Me who remembers and conjures up the very pain and the what-if’s forever and a day. And that’s okay. But sometimes I wonder how feelings play a role in change and how we feel about ourselves and change. Feelings are so emotive (duh) and emotional (double duh) and painful (just shoot me duh-n). Feelings start us and hinder us, stop us and change us. I don’t want to stop feeling. I do want to understand my own feelings more.

Self control; self regulation; will power; decision-making; desire; reward; punishment. Sometimes, words are too much and not enough. Sometimes life is too much and not enough. Sometimes you just have to let go of some things while grasping others. Short straws, long straws, better straws, greener grass. Sometimes you just have to make decisions about now. And then. And what you can. And what you want. And what you can’t. And what you will. And what you are willing to forgo or compromise on in return for other things. And whether you have to forgo or compromise at all.

And sometimes you just have to be grateful for moments and minutes and bits and pieces. And just live in the moment. Tomorrow is a good day to look forward to. Tomorrow I am back on the exercise horse and the kids are back to school and kindy and I will find 5 minutes to myself aside from my exercise time. And tonight I am grateful for the fact that my parenting changes have been huge and great and that I have managed to change those changes into ‘formed a habit’ and now I hardly ever shout and we enjoy moments together a lot. I am a better parent, a happier mother, and I listen and learn and teach and remember. My children are happier, more relaxed and less stressed and pressured. Change can be slow in some ways, fast in others, progressive sometimes, backwards a lot. But change is inevitable for me, for I seek change and truth and honesty and being me. The real me.

I want to concentrate this week on learning more about self control, self regulation and self confidence.

Tell me, my lovelies, tell me what you think/feel/believe/experience/know/understand about self control? For I am open to help in changing my ways and for self control I am seeking help and honesty.

I think asking for help is always a step in the right direction and that knowing someone is willing to say how they feel and be comfortable asking for or saying they need help is monumental. I am always here to help too!

Behind all appearances, I divine a struggling essence. I want to merge with it. I feel that behind appearances this struggling essence is also striving to merge with my heart. But the body stands between us and separates us. The mind stands between us and separates us. Nikos Kazantzakis


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