Life & Romance Novels

24 Sep

Hello my lovelies, have you seen my happy feeling? I seem to have misplaced it again!

Luckily Thankfully this blog is a work in progress about work in progress. Thus I am able to come to my picnic spot on the web when I feel I have something to write and I am reminded every time that this is my space of difference. My place to learn and record changes that enable me to be more the way I want to be. It’s not a place to moan (though heaven knows that won’t stop me), but a place to reflect upon things. To think about what I have done, what I am thinking of doing, what has worked or felt useful and what was complete bollocks.

by my completely imperfect being. Ah, I’m not sorry. I might be a work in progress but one thing you might have realised by now is that I find no reason to apologise to anyone, myself excluded, for the way I am.

I apologise to myself sometimes because sometimes I know how I want to be or something that would be useful to feeling better and exactly what won’t and yet I choose to take the least positive choice and then I get cross with myself and then I apologise internally, and then I promise myself for the umpteenth time that I will not do that again, then I realise I have just made a forcing myself about a certain thing which then leads me to take the wrong path again because Lord only knows that you can’t tell me what to do. I’ll do the opposite.

DO YOU HEAR ME SELF? PROBABLY GOOD TO NOTE HERE THAT YOU HAVE TO USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

Saturday night internal dialogue. Sunday needs to be more about eating when hungry and eating less calories. You also need to up the exercise by 5 minutes!

The exercise was good. I look forward to it. It makes me feel better and more energetic. I don’t overdo it so that I feel negative about it.

The food thing was crap. utter bollocks. I find weekend days more difficult because I am constantly preparing food for children. A bite here a nibble there. It is all relatively healthy food. But even that adds up in calories. I didn’t eat a lot. I didn’t even eat any rubbish food. I just also couldn’t control my will. I think that is what annoys me most. That my will-power, my self-control, lacks at the moment. I like to maintain self-control. So that if I decide something I stick to it. However ridiculous it might seem. I test myself. Lately that is basically setting myself up to fail. But I find the need to keep doing it because I need to see where my self-control and will-power are at.

Today they are at a good level. The exercise was also fine. Though I had upped the pace and so was plum-tuckered out and didn’t add the 5 minutes more. The faster pace meant I have increased the distance though. Which is a positive. As is managing the faster pace. *puffpuffredfacepuffpuff* Tomorrow I will add the 5 minutes more!

Right, enough of me specifically.

Sometimes life is hard, challenging, and when you have misplaced your happy place momentarily, it can sometimes feel super difficult to bother to search for it! I wish some days that my happy place had sent off an emergency beacon while lost at sea, just to make it easier for me to locate it. Never happens. I know that will never happen. Anyway, I usually know how to find my happy place. It just feels like a task to drive there.

Driving backwards at high speed through a snow storm while in search of Santa Claus. Yeah, that difficult.

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I allowed myself the luxury of spending the day reading a book for most of the day, between loving, feeding, caring for, playing with, and chasing after children, washing, cleaning, cooking, cleaning more, and I’m sure I did something else.

The kids and I were awake early. I also managed to find time to exercise while the kids watched morning tv. Thus I felt the day was mine. I picked up my book.

I read all sorts of books. My reading is as eclectic as my taste in music. Which I find wonderful because I never bore of reading a book again. Or finding something new to read. I am always picking up books from the charity stores.

As I was reading, it occurred to me that we will read a book to its end even though we can guess the outcome. That the two main characters will fall in love and live happily ever after, accepting each others faults. The romance we can imagine. The outcome we can anticipate. The future seems possible. Not the ‘she touches his muscular chest and her sex quivers’ Mills & Boon kind of romance, that deep knowledge that true love exists. That life can have a happily ever after. We want to believe in happily ever after. No matter what our own current circumstances are. Whether we are happy, sad, desolate, crazy in love, neutral, nonchalant, romantic at heart, or full-on realists, optimists, pessimists, or otherwise.

We want happily ever after. For anyone, it seems.

Then why is it that we can’t see a happily ever after for ourselves? So that we expect happily ever after and thus live only in the moment not worrying about what tomorrow brings!

Is it that we don’t dare to hope, or that the possibility of dying an old person, alone, or in pain, is enough to put us on the wrong path, the path of negativity and pessimism?

Life is so much about living in the moment. That we are responsive rather than reactive. And while we still need to create/plan/forge a path to the future that makes us happy, we need to see that our own happily ever after is possible.

We need to believe in ourselves to be able to see ourselves happy. To understand that we are worth and worthy of happiness.

I feel closer to the possibility by being able to believe in myself. Which is how I came to be here with Love Loulabel. That I believe is my first baby step. Continuing to believe is my one foot in front of the other. Now to think about what I want each footstep to represent and feel like, what I want those footsteps to mean in terms of me, myself, and I. But also in terms of my family. For it is those lovely people that have made me realise how important it is to not only think about and take care of one’s self, but to show that to the world so that others can follow/learn from/replicate your lead.

As part of those footsteps, I want my children to learn the importance of loving one’s self and taking care to listen and respond to your own needs.

For if anyone in the world can define what you need, it is you.

It is up to you lovelies! And I am here to help too!

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One Response to “Life & Romance Novels”

  1. purple3ivySam September 24, 2012 at 8:32 am #

    Amen.

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