Cookies for breakfast: I don’t want to talk about it…

11 Sep

but I have to. I do.

Cookies for breakfast. Woop there it is! I bloody did. Eat. A. Cookie. For. Breakfast.

And, it’s not the first time.

Can I pretend it was me having afternoon tea in France? The timeframe works. But, nooo.

But wait, there’s more. I had ruined my good start to the day so I had 3 slices of pizza.

And lots of coffee. And, I’m cross. Really peeved at myself. I know where it came from. The scales. They told me something I didn’t want to hear read. Only 200 grams but none-the-less deafening for it.

Then I thought about myself and my choices. I was happy that I knew what I had done hadn’t brought me happiness. Yes, I enjoyed the taste but then what. Nothing.

Strangely, my problems had not been solved. No miraculous eating to cure all my problems.

So I made a few rules.

  1. I am not on a diet. I knew that but hadn’t consciously said that.
  2. If you want coffee, drink a glass of water first (& not a wee, cute, little, tiny, liquer glass either, a large glass, like having a pint of ale in the Rooster and Rascal in Dublin).
  3. Cookies are not breakfast food, but I can have one if I want one.
  4. I have an eating demon many demons in my life (problem is as crap a word as diet, it feels huge and beyond possible and scary).
  5. Work out when I am hungry/thirsty/tired/bored/sad/happy/what-have-you and then think about what I am saying, what I need.

This internal change is proving to be the best, but by far the hardest because I am struggling lately, aspect of my life to address first. If I feel good, I can do other things.

How to look at the inner me and the health of that self?

Breakfast freaks me out. Because I am not usually hungry at breakfast. I’m not a breakfast person. But ‘experts’ of unverified and unidentified everything have said for years ‘eat breakfast, it’s the most important meal of the day’. That’s a lot of pressure.

When I eat breakfast I feel hungrier in the day and consume more. That’s a vicious cycle for someone living in a constant emotional food fight, of the unpleasant kind.

After my fall from (personal grace) the proverbial bandwagon I was still able to see that I had spent 20 minutes doing a hard workout on the treadmill, even though I was dog-tired and have tonnes of work piling up. I am the only one who can help me. I can get inspiration and information but only I can identify and implement the things I discover.

So, I went on a supporting material search. In my favourite form of media: books. I got lost in the tiny but full section of a local charity store. I chose novels about differences, choices and changes in life like ‘Men are from Mars…’ and non-fiction on compulsive eating, and healthy selves.

I felt spirited. I felt like I was vindicating my strong desire to change the me I don’t love into the someone I love, love, love. Starting with the major. The internal me.

The compulsive eating book is proving a good buy. It has vindicated all I had been thinking for the past week or so.

It says something interesting AND SIGNIFICANT.

It basically says ‘you can eat whatever you want. No restrictions. But eat when you are hungry. Not because the cake looks pretty. Not because you might miss out if you don’t eat the party food in front of you.’

I am lucky enough to still feel hunger. But I ignore it, like doing that provides me with a way to ensure weight-loss. Yes, I think feeling hungry means I am denying my body and thus deleting potential caloric intake. Yeah, probably more accurately, I am teaching my body to horde what I give it later. Which is possibly going to be that bloody cookie. Plenty to calorie horde there!

But to me, it’s more than that. This whole thing applies to other realms in my life, because really I am saying I don’t trust myself, my judgement, me. I am wrong.

And this is why learning about me is important. How can I take care of me if I have no idea what they requires? I can’t.

The book says take time, a week or so, to identify patterns, hunger patterns, feelings when you desire (to eat) something, whether you were hungry when you ate what you ate and so on. It’s huge. And I will discuss more of this later, as I read and comprehend the full meaning of things.

I have an eating demon (envision me sitting in a wooden chair, in a large empty space, in a circle of others feeling similar, and it’s my turn). Hi, I’m Tanya, and I have an eating demon and I am here to find my way, to change my wicked ways.

And while I love me as I am, i DON’T TRULY LOVE ME AS i AM. i PRETEND i AM FINE. I’m not.

But I’m on the right road. This honesty thing has introduced a realm of holy Batman Robin I just didn’t know.

Tomorrow is a bright, new day. I am on the road to well-being, healing my self, inside out.

Here’s to your inner health LL.

Do you have any vices? Any habits that you have for reasons other than what they might be meant for?

Obviously I do. And it’s okay. I’m working it out.

I am about to embark on a journey of eating whatever I want, when I’m hungry. I am about to trust my body and it’s knowledge, against the ‘advice’ of ‘experts’. I am about to run like a confused hamster on an exercise wheel walk my body to wellness on my trusty dusty treadmill. The past week of exercising after ‘time off’ has reminded me how beneficial exercise is. How little time it really requires but how it makes a difference to your physical and mental wellness. I am learning about food and feeding hunger, not denying my body its fuel, remembering to eat well and healthily, and remembering to get some oxygen pumping through my soul with walking.

Join me lovelies?

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